Currently Listening Little Voice By Sara Bareilles City see related

10 minutes away from death

          A week ago today Heath Ledger died in his Soho apartment.  I was 10 minutes away in Chelsea with my brother.  We had no idea until later in the evening that any of this had happened or that we had been so close.  In all the time I've been working in Chelsea I had no idea that he lived right around the corner and down the block.  

           As the days went by I couldn't help but notice the many local papers trying to make since of this untimely death.  As I sat on the A-train coming home one evening I started thinking of what he may have been feeling that day.  Lonely, tired and frustrated from lack of sleep.  Feeling out of control.  Struglling with insomnia decided to up the dose on the sleeping pills not realizing what would happen.   

        I'm also thinking that with all the people in his life why was there no one there by his side to help ease his mind....to be a support....to lay right beside him as he struggles to fall asleep...some one to say "you don't have to do this on your own".  No, instead there on a tuesday afternoon in lower manhattan Heath Ledger died naked, and alone.

         Now I have to be honest with you I've been feeling very alone, frustrated and restless lately.  No, I don't struggle with a sleeping disorder quite like this but I am going on day 26 with out my husband and in those 26 days I can't fall asleep before 2 or 3 in the morning.  As I'm writing you know it's 2:30 in the morning and I struggle to feel peaceful. 

         This city can be a bitch.  The move to NY has been a surprisingly difficult one for me.  I have been living and working in the city for 6 months now.  I'm a newbie so I'm sure it's typical for frustration to start creeping in.   But  I'm sick of being surrounded by people all the time, negitive attitudes with no mercy, and creepy men on the street corner watching my every move.  Added to that I miss my help-mate and best friend.  He's on tour...and I'm here, working in a basket store, picking up my dog's shit twice a day :(  I'm going to be honest with you folks I'm having a hard time staying sane.  And as I sat there on that train thinking of this accomplished actor's lonely leave from this world I wondered.....what is it about my life that keeps me going? 

           The answer.....  YOU..........well not entirely...I did that for dramatic effect!   But in a sense, yes it is you...all of you...my friends, my family my support.  And right now I don't have much of "you" being so far away.  But I do have a wonderful church with a great support group and most importantly God.  I would have gone mad if I didn't have my faith, my relationship with God.  That has been key to keeping me from the far corners of loneliness.  And yet through my prayers I have realized how absolutely precious and imparitive it is to have dear friends who WILL be there...who care to ask how you are and who will stake an investment in your life.  I don't want to wind up face down, naked on my death bed.......I want to be surrounded by those who love me and those I have loved.  And we NEED that...it IS a life or death situation when it comes to the importance of those who will come around you and love you no matter where you are or how sucky you feel.  We need the strength of each other.......I NEED YOU.

  These are the words of a Sara Bareilles song called "City" that moves me to the core...she knows the pain I feel... check it out on iTunes if you can.

 "City"

There's a harvest each saturday night
At the bars filled with perfume and hitching a ride
A place you can stand for one night and get gone
It's clear this conversation ain't' doing a thing
Cause these boys only listen to me when i sing
And i don't feel like singing tonight
All the same songs

Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
Nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold you?

The situation's always the same
You got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood's name
Stealing gold from the silver they see
But it's not me

Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold you?

Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading away
Am i gone?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading

In these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold on to you?

Currently Listening As I Am By Alicia Keys No One see related

I'm married to 91 men.

            So I think I'm married to 91 men.  90 of them play or coach for the Indianapolis Colts and that special 1 is well....you know who he is.  As some of you know ...I stress some....this past sunday, Jan. 13th the reigning Super Bowl Champs and MY Indy Colts lost in the Playoffs to the very LUCKY and soon to be defeated San Diego Chargers.  On that day I sat alone in my Manhattan apartment sobbing uncontrollably as I realized my football season was over.

          I know this may seem dramatic to some of you but when you invest so much time, money and emotion into something or someone it's very hard to let it go, especially if it ends abruptly.  Such is the case with my "90 husbands".  I feel for them, I root for them, I watch them every sunday, sat, monday or maybe even thursday...and yes I even pray for them.

         ok yes...marriage is a strong word and I use it to stress a point, because to some of you this may seem foreign coming from me.  Perhaps you've never seen this side.  Well I keep it secret sometimes...it's my love..my interest..my passion...NFL football...the COLTS.  Last  year they won the super bowl and that happens maybe ONCE in a lifetime....something that also happens almost once in a lifetime (ok not so much anymore) is marriage.  Last year I had both...and honestly I felt like I got married twice.  This year I felt like I was broken up with all in one swift motion.   No explanation, no I'm sorry, no it's not you it's me....just one pass to the end zone with 30 seconds left in the game on 4th and goal....and the pass was never caught.  As that ball fell so did my heart, along with my hopes and dreams...and a lil bit of my lunch..... for one more run at victory.... 

        To sum it up....I'm really officially married to One.....but he knows there's 90 right behind him.  A team that not only gives me joy on the field but encouragement in my life.  A coach that inspires me to live daily for my family and my faith.  I have a tatoo of the colts on my back and a ring of fidelity on my finger.  Both will be there for life..........awe it feels good to be  fan..........even better to be a wife :)

Currently Listening Little Voice By Sara Bareilles see related

 My Crazy Life

        Well it's December 11th already and so much has happened since I last posted.  First I would like to say that on December 2nd Brian and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary and it was awesome.  We had a busy day singing in the choir at church...then we went to lunch and I watched my Colts win.  Brian then gave me my present, which for the 1st year of marriage is suppose to be paper.  He got me tickets to Spamalot for that night :)  The show was great .....although I kept imagining Sara Ramirez as "Lady of the Lake" so that was the only downfall.  She sounded so much better than Marin Mazzie. 

    So, most of you know but I no longer work at the "Bucks".  For about 2 months I've been working in Chelsea at Chelsea Market Baskets.  It's a great store that obviously specializes in Gift baskets.  We have all kinds of people come in like Molly Shannon and her daughter or Rachel Ray.  Food Network is right across from us so I'm always getting some tray ready full of coco truffles for Imeril or something.  And  yesterday I had to ship 50 of our white box sets to LA at the last minute for Jamie Fox's birthday party.  Crazy stuff but pretty fun, don't be fooled though, it's not that glamorous :)

    The big change is that I cut my hair....like 6 inches.  I've been thinking about it for sometime and kept holding out bc well head shots and auditions ect... I always thought I needed long hair to do well in this business or something stupid like that.  Then I realized I didn't really care....so I took the plunge and cut it off and I LOVE IT!  It's so freeing and fun.  I feel sassy and Brian loves it too....he says I could go shorter if I wanted...I'm like...whoa buddy!  Tammy and Kevin came to visit last week and we had a blast!  She obviously cut my hair being that she's my "stylist".  I told her if I ever make it big she's coming with me!

    Speaking of head shots and auditions I haven't been doing many lately.  But that doesn't mean I haven't been working.  Brian and I were introduced to the producers and creators of a musical called Angels.  They are very close to getting the show put Broadway....set to go on next Christmas.  We've been doing performances in various venues for backers and co producers to get the word out.  Now this doesn't ensure either one of us a role in the show but it does get our foot in the door and we've become great friends with the production team and fellow actors.  It's a great story and has powerful music.....check it out at:

http://www.angelsthemusical.com

Currently Reading Quiet Strength: The Principles, Practices, & Priorities of a Winning Life By Tony Dungy, Nathan Whitaker see related

The Thing About Moving

    So here we are in the big apple!  It's been 2 weeks and we're finally getting into the swing of things.  I hope you'll enjoy the apartment pics above....Charlie doing what he does best, lounging around and Brian doing what he does best.....Wii!  We're addicted to that game by the way....it's amazing. 

      I've started at my starbucks store 2 days after we moved and I HATED it.  Not the working part...that was fine, I like fast pace.  But I wasn't able to connect with any of my coworkers which is something I've always been able to do.  Now 2 weeks in I'm relaxing a bit and coworkers are letting me in.  My manager even wants to make me a shift which would mean more money....but closing everytime I work...yuuk!  All in all I'll see what happens, I can't quit because I'm the only one bringing in the dough.

     That's right Brian is not working until october where he'll be gone for a month doing Forbidden Broadway shows in Boston and Florida...that lil butthead.  In the mean time he enjoys taking Charlie to the dog run in our beautiful "Fort Tryon park" across the street, playing Wii like I mentioned before and doing the laundry.  Needless to say he's enjoying the vacation!

    Speaking of Charlie....the first few days were a bit rough for the Chuck-man.  He did not like the NY heat and was freaking out that we were going to leave him for good.  But now that he's the "coolest pup in the park" he's loving it here.  He gets to play with all kinds of dogs at the park...run around...he even has a girlfriend named Erma (she's a puggle).  Charlie's bringing in all the Bitches :)

   AUDITION ALERT~  ok so I've only gone on one audition but I do have one lined up for this thursday.  I'm actually a bit down about the whole audition process.  WHAT HAPPENED AT WSU!?  Can anyone tell me what the hell I learned in any of my audition or Music Theatre classes.  My audition skills are so rusty I wanna throw up.  I feel like a freaking fool out there.  I need NEW Material...BETTER material and more PRACTICE.  Ellie my friend from Urinetown is now directing "I Love a Piano" which she starred in.  Well they were in desperate need for a back up when some one recently left the cast.  She called Jen and I to come in the next day and to bring Irving Berlin 'esk" songs.  5 girls in all showed up at the audition....good odds really.  I only had an hour to look at the 20 page slides they gave us and I was so focused on doing the scenes right and remembering the words to my "new audition song" that I went in panicked and did just an adequate job.  I could tell on there faces at the end of my audition that they were NOT impressed...even more I felt like a let Ellie down too. This was my chance....to know the director is a BIG IN...now all I had to do was do my thing right.....well I sucked it up.  And really what it comes down to is inexperience.  So my vow now is to audition for as many things as I can just for the experience.  Cruise Ships....stage...whatever.  I also need to find two staple songs that I can sing the Sh!T out of and 2 back ups.  Not searching for a new song everytime to fit each show perfectly..........

                                                      And Patience 

        Well keep trucking kids....Casey, Cassiday, Cody, Megan, Briley...everyone...let's keep supporting each other...it's the best way to stay afloat.   Love you guys

                                               Peace out from the NYC --- Leah

PS....on a lighter note I saw Bob Costas and Queen Latifah all with in 5 mins yesterday and everyone around them just kept on moving, like they didn't even care....I love this Town!

Currently Watching Hot Fuzz (Full Screen Edition) By Jim Broadbent, Kenneth Cranham, Timothy Dalton, Julia Deakin, Patricia Franklin see related

~The End is Near~

          Well boys and girls the end is near for me.  No I'm not dying ...we are finally moving.  Our official moving date is Aug 27th....when we load up the truck and take all we can squeeze into a pint size 1 bedroom apartment in the upper side of Manhattan.  We don't have our exact location as of yet but we will after the 15th.  Brian and I are flying up on the 11th-15th to find an apartment and meet my new Starbucks that I'll be transferring to.  Brian already has an audition for the 5 days we'll be there so that's excited...the lil' bastard!

          The funny thing is that this has been long in the making but now feels like it's coming so fast.  Don't get me wrong I'm am so excited to be moving but it just reaffirms that it's do or die time...start auditioning and see what you're made of!  It really separates the boys from the woman...or whatever! 

         I will update more when I have all my new address and info.....please know that we will be welcome to any new visitors in NY...you know me, I'm sure I'll get lonely with out you all!  Also we still haven't sold our house so if you know anyone who wants to buy let me know! Well we did have a buyer but that's a completely different story! 

       On a completely random note....I've finished the last Harry Potter book last week and can't wait to talk to everyone about it....my favorite movies of the summer are "Knocked Up" "Waitress" "Harry Potter" and "Transformers".  Shocking on the last one...I never would have guessed!  So go see them and let me know what you think!  Also I'm done with Mosely Street shows which is a bummer bc I made some really great friends.

        ok I'm out for now....until then..........LadyLeah